Have We Lost Touch by Constantly Staying in Touch?

I find myself in an intermittent state of procrastination of late. This is also so

not me. In the past when I wanted (to do) something, it barely had time to linger and germinate in my mind before my thoughts start racing and I put a plan into action to achieve my goal. That's just the way my mind works. So it baffles me what could be the root of this hesitation and stalling...I must have some kind of latent depression! lol....But I digress...

  

I just read a post on a friend's facebook profile a few seconds ago shortly after beginning this blog post. It went something like this (to paraphrase lest I offend some!): Make yourself happy because no one else really cares...My mind is such a complex over-thinking machine (at least that's what my friends tell me) that this simple, yet layered statement caused me to reflect on the many innuendoes and half truths even in my life. 

Before I hit the "like" button, I had to pause and determine what image this can potentially project. How can myself--a published inspirational writer/author and upcoming motivational speaker endorse and have such a dismal thought!? Easy: I am human. To use the words of Shakespeare with a modern day twist: I bleed and have feelings like everyone else. The important thing is that it remains only a fleeting, transient thought and emotion.

Needless to say, I did not hit like.

photo credit - Grafton Beach 2013 All rights reserved

For reasons of my own, I thought that I should set the example since some come to me for advice and look to me as a rock and beacon of hope, or so I'm told :-) Yikes! That's a huge standard to live up to; one in which I embrace and welcome. When did that happen? I guess ever since I can remember. Even persons I have only just met (both genders), feel comfortable enough to share and open up about their history and personal thoughts. 

What I would say is that we have to find and face the truths in our own lives that resonate with us for one reason or another. Recently I have had to re-evaluate the relationships in my life...the people that remain in my life to this day and the ones who did not survive (the storm and seasons)...some through no fault of my own. 

The close ones, the in-between ones and the ones that are just hanging by a thread. The ones whom I communicate with daily, the ones with whom I only communicate once in a while but are somehow still connected in thought, the ones who seek me out and vice versa and the ones that are barely there.

With so many ways to communicate nowadays and the many different levels of 'friendship' with the advent of facebook, twitter, whatsapp, google, youtube, LinkedIn, bbm, skype etc...have we lost touch by constantly staying  in touch???! It's so easy to 'spy' or check out what your friend is saying on social media: what they are wearing or eating today or if it's their birthday. If they are having a bad day or on top of the world...all this by not even talking to them. 

We forget telephone numbers and birthdays because the old fashioned way is long forgotten when we live in an age where everything is 'programmed' and built into our apps, computers and hand held devices instead of in our memories and hearts....(for this reason I removed my data from social media some years ago.)

And I ask myself for the ones that exist on the various echelons of 'friendship': are these healthy, authentic, two-way connections? Am I being treated how I want to be treated? Do I treat others how I would like to be treated? Am I too petty/nit-picky, spoilt, needy or intense for my own good? Did I in some way cause the ones that did not make it, to go away? And finally to end my tirade of open-ended questions: did I too hastily and abruptly end things with others in the past?

These are some questions that may also resonate with you. If I take a closer look, I know I have the answers to these questions at the tip of my tongue if only I have the courage to admit it to myself.

We all have our weaknesses. Some are able to discern, heal and chart a positive way forward. Others may be unable to recognize and own up to them even if they are point out by a third party. I am happy that I can step out of my little bubble and see myself from the outside daily as others would see me. It's not always easy to face the 'man' in the mirror, but it's the only way to improve and evolve. We are all a work in progress.

It's a skill that comes with practise and meditation over several years. Not some deep transcendental meditation or one with bells and chants (not to knock anyone's beliefs). But one of quiet stillness, reflection, introspection and prayer. Wait for it...the answers will come. Maybe not right away, but one day while you're driving down the highway or on the tube/subway, doing household chores, listening to music or chatting with a friend...trust me, it will come. When it does, it's important to embrace it with quiet acceptance and release.

Pray for guidance and a way forward. For healing and transformation. Change doesn't come overnight, but may take several years, retries and do-overs...but it's important to never give up and take it your Creator in prayer. Faith moves mountains. Sometimes we don't get a chance for a do-over when it comes to certain things and people, that's why it's important to remain grounded in the present and revel in all it's splendour for before you know it, this moment is gone...Poof! And there it goes...

For now, I accept, I embrace, I release as I find my centre once again and nip procrastination and all negativity in the bud!


Before I go, I must pay tribute to the oh so talented actor and comedian Robin Williams who made us laugh for decades. We remember how he make us laugh till we cried in Mrs. Doubtfire and other fabulous movies...it's sad how nobody knew his pain and couldn't do the same for him in his time of need.

I've observed how it is often some of the most creative and outgoing souls that are the ones who (silently) carry the most sadness inside. Your memory/legacy will live on through your movies...No one can ever take that away from you. Condolences to the family and friends of Mr. Robin Williams on his passing. May perpetual light shine upon him and may his soul Rest In Peace.


Peace & Love

Here and Now

Final sneak peek from my audio book. Location: Jolly Old England. 

As a product of the 21st century we have to ask ourselves: “Am I a product of this life? Or is this life my production: a production to behold and let unfold the way in which we would like?” 

ps excuse my amateur video skills! lol...last one...

Production is under way and it's just a few more days for delivery! Can't wait...Coming to local bookstores soon!

Hope you enjoy! Listen here: 

Mom: Am I Big Yet?

Another clip from my soon to be launched audio book of Thinking out Loud - Mom: Am I Big Yet? 

selected from Chapter 3: Family & Relationships

Photos shot in beautiful Grenada!

Enjoy!

I'm Doing Me!

Hi, I'm a blogoholic and it's been 6 days since my last blog...

Ahhh....

I hate to admit it, but I've lost speed somewhere along the line which is soo unlike me...but I plan on fixing that right now. I'm re-thinking the direction of my blog. I think one of the areas I need to work on is to not let what other people say (or not say) consume me and pervade my being! 

For about a year sporadically a very close friend of mine have been telling me that I need to provide more personal anecdotes in my writing, as did a couple of my siblings over an extended period of time. When I did do that...somehow it did not feel right. I felt like deleting the blog post before anyone can see it! (Funny these are also the posts that I got the most feedback on :S )

I also found myself filtering my subscribers to only allow "certain" people to see my latest revelation and adventures and sharing it on only selected social media fora. Writing's not supposed to be like that...I know right?

Prior to this a few persons who bought my book on Amazon took the time to email as well as others who just came across my blog via facebook or google. Yet I still get bogged down by what other people think. 

Why is this you ask! Just trying to be a people pleaser I guess. After all I don't write in a vacuum just for my consumption. Recently I have been told by some of the same people that I share too much...ahhh the agony! My friend still maintains her view but to each his/her own.

For me writing is based on energy. If I feel good or inspired to write or vent...I do. I share what comes naturally and feels good in my heart. I don't necessarily think that a blog or inspirational writing should read like a diary, but rather an outlet for expression that is intended to help, inspire or motivate others. There must be a message to which others can identify. I agree that this must be illustrated by way of examples, but after perusing other blogs and books, this is not always the case and it does not necessarily have to be your own experiences. 

With that said...I have decided that I will turn inward and follow my heart and see where that leads. In this life, if you take time to listen to everyone you would be forever blowing to and fro in the wind like a palm tree. For too long I have allowed others to dictate my pace and from this moment on I have decided to make a conscious effort to think on my own, make my own decisions and just LET GO and DO ME. 

I must say that this week has been eventful. I had the opportunity to present my workshop for a couple friends and former colleagues and it exceeded my expectations...the feedback was overwhelming. They thought it to be a very valuable and inspiring eye-opener and gave me some useful tips to market it to all niche markets. It was so great re-connecting with old friends and sharing my passion! I felt immense peace and elation. 

I also met with an intellectual property attorney who again shared some valuable advice and tips on publishing, blogging and freelancing. To make things even better, I met a young man (Trinidadian) who is a translator living in Venezuela and writes poetry...this meeting took place when I took in an early movie by myself a few days ago. Interestingly enough he is also desirous of becoming a blogger and author. I have been waiting for the right moment to share with my readers that I am thinking of publishing an e-book which will be a collection of poetry...

I never thought that I could write poetry until now, because I thought that this was what only truly creative people do...until some experiences prompted me to pen my innermost thoughts and emotions so as to find my release and much needed healing and catharsis. Some years ago it was also suggested that I translate my book into another language. I will cross that bridge when I get to it!

I have been praying for a few months for God to send someone my way who can provide guidance on the form and structure of my poems and voila! As always my God provides! My new friend Shane also thinks that it was not by chance that we were the first two patrons in the cinema to see Think Like a Man Too.

Life is fraught with highs and lows...but it is only when we recognize the beauty in the simple things and gestures that we can bounce back and recover from the troughs...

Many other exciting things in the works...like the launch of my audio book in the next couple weeks...more workshop presentations...my non-profit work on the editing of a magazine, planning of events and much much more...I'm excited!

Hope your week was well spent and you Made it Count! Continue doing YOU!

As always if you can relate or have a question, please feel free to drop me a line in the contact form to the right of your page.

Until next time...

Peace & Blessed Love

For more updates and inspiration, you can LIKE me on facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ThinkingoutLoudbyCarolynCorreia?ref_type=bookmark

Happy August!

It seems that July is over :( As another month ends and we get ready to wind down the year, before we say gone too soon, let's recount all the highs and lows and give thanks for them all. Both the negatives and positives have contributed to the persons we are today. For all the July babies (including myself) as we reflect on the past year and all the many moments it has brought to our lives, let us look back with a smile and find the silver lining in every situation.

Even though things may have changed, we will always have our memories upon which to reflect. Each moment holds significance as it is filled with new lessons, joys, achievements, goals, milestones, even sorrow and disappoint for there is always something on which to build, improve and work towards. If you made a mistake, you now know better for next time. If you stumbled and fell, you can now get up, try again and take pride in your strength and commitment.

photo credit - CK Correia  © 2013 All rights reserved

As we look toward August and the remaining 5 months of the year, let us condition our minds and set the pace for achieving our goals. Let it be our best time yet. It is never too late to start over, make a plan, dream Big dreams and when you do: Dream to Win! This moment is ours forever to cherish...No one can ever take it away from us.


Goodbye July...Hullo and Welcome August!

Wishing you much enjoyment, sweet bliss, magical moments under the stars, peace, love and abundance as the holidays wind down...enjoy the kiddies/ "Me" time, snow cones/ice-cream...and warm weather and ... Remember to Make it Count~ xo

Peace & Love my loves,
Carolyn xoxo

Forward Ever, Backward Never

I don't know why I am up at almost 2 am posting to my blog! I did not turn on my computer for the day and just when I thought I could survive the entire day without it: duty calls, one thing led to another and wham! I'm hooked :( 

photo credit - pinterest.com

I got my car back on Saturday so I've been out for most of the day taking care of that. For some reason, I've been really tired lately so I came back home and slept....and slept some more...waking up even more tired only to respond to some urgent emails that could not be done on my phone.

I came on to say only a few things: I just love to write! I guess that is clear. No matter how tired I am, I always find the energy to write. I can go for hours without sleep even if I've had a full day out at work or play. 

A few hours ago and even on the drive home, I was filled with this tremendous desire to CREATE! Oh my! It's in my blood. Then I suddenly remembered something someone told me a few weeks ago: "once you have a talent, you will never be broke!" I so appreciate the people I've been meeting these past few years...I feel such an affinity and connectivity to some of them. They are like me in some ways and I feed off of their energy and I hope vice versa. 

It's funny, some people will tell you and others will just admire you from afar...until one day your paths cross or something happens and they tell you to your face. When that happens, it's an amazing feeling, because I can't even believe it myself. It's like: "What did I do?! I was just being me:)"

What we sometimes don't realize is that we each have a story to tell. Sometimes it is our shared experiences that draw us closer together. When we open up and tell our story without fear of judgement, we realize that we all connected and can assist in offering (sometimes silent) support and liberation not only as women or men, but to all living people under the sun. It does not matter our nationality, ethnicity or geography, we are all the same underneath it all. We all bleed, hurt, shed tears and yearn for acceptance and oneness with ourselves and others. 

I recently realized this even more so when I hosted a staff function last year. Despite our differences, whether we get along or not, our stories intersect and we find peace and joy to hear that others experience the same things. It was amazing to witness the attentiveness and openness of staff members with their innermost thoughts and very private moments. I had never done anything like that before and I came up with the concept for the function on the spur of the moment. It exceeded my expectations: it was beauty personified. 

It was in that moment that I made the decision that this is what I should be doing with my life. It was only 5 months into my contract and it was as though bells went off in my head. I went home and sat on my porch with this immense feeling of satisfaction and fulfilment (and a silly grin on my face) as I blogged about it and retold the experience and revelations to my Mom and close friends who always called to check up on me. I did not have a plan exactly figured out as yet, but I knew this was my destiny. 

There's only 3 things that make me happy: writing, music, genuine, kindred spirits and well 4: food and good wine! Err 5? lol. Driving used to be one of them, but I realized after my accident that my car is not invincible. I've been driving for almost 20 years (wow!) and it's been more or less incident free....because of this I felt insulated in my trusty, comfortable car, fooled into a false sense of protection which is now beginning to crumble and cause anxiety. 

I now realize even more so that driving is hit and miss. You can be the most careful driver and because of someone else's recklessness, your life can be over in the bat of an eye. A friend of mine was telling me today that he witnessed an accident just the day before when a garbage truck was given a bad drive and crossed the median killing a whole family. He saw the gory details of the victims' demise when the top of their car was obliterated by the truck. Sighh. 

This is really sad and does nothing for my nerves especially when I saw it on social media a while ago. Yesterday as I drove for the first time since my accident in pouring rain again, it was like deja vu. I was going really really slow and trembling on the inside. It was very traumatizing. As the days go by, I am regaining my confidence as I am told I am a very good driver and this is unlike me. It still fills me with fear: the uncertainty of the black carpet which we traverse daily.

Such is life. Like my Guardian Angel told me last week (the guy who assisted me after the accident): You have to develop some mantras in life: Never look back. "Forward ever, backward never" (Maurice Bishop - Grenadian politician). LEAVE the past where it is and ask God for guidance and protection. Trust Him and leave it up to Him to protect you.

Well said Kurt. I owe you my life. 

Until next time, be safe and remember to Make it Count. xo

For more, you can also "like" me on facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ThinkingoutLoudbyCarolynCorreia?ref_type=bookmark

Lucky 36

Lucky 36. 

I expected fireworks and many 'light-bulb moments'...

I was wrong...it seems like it's just another day. Ahhh well.

In years gone by I lived it up and had a ball...celebrating at a restaurant or hotel...

photo credit - CK Correia all rights reserved Grafton Beach, Tobago

Last year I even had a 3-day celebration when I resided in the sister isle....which included Friday night drinks and dinner at Cafe Coco, a morning at the Face and Body Spa at the Magdalena Grand, a home cooked lunch at my place by my bro and girlfriend who came to visit.

This was followed by drinks and entertainment at Coco Reef Hotel where I got a special birthday rendition on the pan followed by Karaoke, more serenading and wine at Bago Bar in Pigeon Point! (I need to play "She's Just 16 years old/Into the Night" by Benny Mardones for old time's sake!--my friend just called and told me don't sing!) It all ended with an epic day at the beach with some co-workers, which unfortunately resulted in me stumping my toe on a rock and ending up at the Health Centre the next day! That didn't stop me from an encore when a friend took me to a belated birthday dinner the following Wednesday night before I went home for the long Emancipation Day weekend!

Yes...that was LAST year....

This year found me in solitary confinement (not really...just being melodramatic)....I spent most of the day at home with my family being pampered with a delicious breakfast and lunch. Nothing better than waking up to hot bakes and smoked herring! If you're West Indian or ever spent time vacationing in the Caribbean...you know this is a tradition...especially Bake and Shark at Maracas Bay, Trinidad. If you haven't tried it yet...it's a MUST! And ask for the special condiments: cucumber salsa, shadon beni, tamarind sauce and more...Makes your mouth water huh!

A friend of mine got me the book by T.D. Jakes: "Woman Thou Art Loosed" on Amazon as a birthday gift...so I started reading it on my kindle. Gave myself a mani and pedi while listening to my audio book, then headed off to church for the 5 pm mass. When I returned I had some wine and watched Joel Osteen on TBN....I'm having loads of fun in my 'old' age! But that made my day complete...He always speaks to my situation and I felt my concerns dissipate. I felt an immediate release.

searched for this wine everywhere since my first taste in Texas!

Last night I sat on my porch for the last time as 35 and recounted the many moments of the previous year...Yup...it was a glorious year...I don't regret a thing. My sister told me something interesting a few months ago....Hindsight is 20/20...

As the midnight hour rolled around, I believe I experienced a brief metamorphosis. It's so strange I felt all the things I was worried about over the past few months just seem irrelevant in the whole scheme of things. I wondered what I was fussing over in the first place...#TimeWasted

I've gained a lot of wisdom over the years and I am thankful for the people and events that helped me to get here. It's been a #Goodyear ! I hope God continues to show me favour in this my 36th year. I have Him to thank for life. After my ordeal last month, a couple of my friends said He has plans for me!

With that said, I will share with you my pearls of wisdom which is probably cliché but the difference is that I've learnt all these things on my own, the hard way...it's been a long journey and I am learning each day as I go along. Sometimes I need to take my own advice!

Let Go and Let God

Sometimes it's difficult to let go of people and familiar situations that once brought you a sense of peace, comfort or happiness. But I've learnt that not all that glitters is gold. Ask for the gift of discernment. Not everybody is for you or your 'friend.' As we say in trini: "not all skin teeth is smile." I've learnt that the hard way too. Apart from that, people change, life changes, sometimes they move on mentally long before the physical manifests itself. When this happens, you need to exit stage left. Self-preservation is of utmost importance and it pays off in the long run.

What you Give, is What you Get

I spoke about this in my first book. You can't expect to give off hostility and angst and get rewarded with peace and good fortune. Be good, do good and good will follow you. 


Be Present for the Present!

Before you know it, this moment is gone and then you would wish you savoured it more. That's all I have to say...you never know what you have till it's gone. The same is true for people and situations. Make the most of each and every moment or live with regret.

All is Fair in Love and War!

What is for you is you! Be patient, be discerning and watch it all unfold!

"For his anger endureth but a moment; in his favour is life: weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning!" Psalm 30:50

Peace & Love my lovelies...

Until next time...

Remember:

30 is the new 20

50 is the new 40

and...

You're only as old as you feel!

You've got one life to life...make the most of it, make an impact and Live it UP!

That's all she wrote...and now the day is done!

Happy Birthday to ME :D

Cheers~

photo credit - CK Correia all rights reserved Grafton Beach, Tobago

Saying Goodbye to the Old and Hello to the New

So it's a few days away from the big day and I am doing my do: My yearly round-up/pre-birthday blog. Admittedly it finds me in somewhat sombre spirits than normal, for which I can't quite put my finger on the exact cause. For starters I am without my vehicle going on 4 weeks!! Woosah. That's a long time for me who's always on the go. I have to rely on a driver to take me on my important runs and friends to drop off and pick up things for me. It's a sad state of affairs. But things could be worse. I thank God for life. I don't feel as though I've aged physically since my 20s but my scope on life has certainly expanded to fit my new image.

My close call

My friend Roxanne always chides that I always scratch the surface. I never really spoke

about that day in detail on the blog; but I am now in a place to do so. For those who are not close to me would not know that I was involved in a near fatal car accident in late June. This occurred when my car skidded off the highway in rainy weather. 

It spun around and slammed into the concrete median and was torn up pretty bad. Many persons said it could be due to the mixture of oil on the uneven surface of the wet road, as I was not going fast. Stopping to a halt in the middle of the road, other motorists could only pause for a few moments and then see how best they can proceed either to the front or rear of my vehicle which was now blocking traffic. Human beings never cease to amaze me. 

If it wasn't for the good Samaritan who was travelling behind me, I would have probably been a gonner. Originally from Belle Garden Tobago, this gentleman aka my Guardian Angel when he saw what was happening, blocked the traffic with his van preventing other cars who could not see further ahead from slamming into me. He came to my assistance afterwards as well and drove my car to the shoulder and called a tow truck while I waited in his vehicle. Another guy who was travelling on the opposite side of the carriageway jumped the median to see if I was okay, because he said his wife was getting ready to call the ambulance. It was that bad!

Meanwhile I couldn't wait to get out of the car, the radiator of which was now smoking. It was like a scene out of a really bad movie. Miraculously I escaped unscathed save for a few black and blue marks where the seatbelt held me and saved my life. For a brief 3 seconds I had already surrendered to the moment and gave up on my life as I thought that This. Was. It. 

With no time to pray and even say Lord help me or forgive me my sins, I just had a fleeting thought about my family and how they would deal with this when they found out. I was in a conscious state, yet unconscious. I lost all bearing of time and space until the car came to a halt smack dab in the middle of the highway *blocks eyes*. I later replayed this scene over and over again in my head for the next few nights.

I am glad that I say my prayers every day and night and the very night before I got on my knees (which I seldom do), to pray for my dad and everyone one else. I also prayed for God to help me to be a better person. In that moment, I believe He answered my prayers because if not, things could have easily taken a turn for the worse less than 24 hours later. It's so strange I got a premonition about this days before and I even took a different route that day, but you never know the day or time...it happened not the next day nor the day after that, but 5 days later.

Can't have my cake and eat it too

photo credit - CKCorreia Villas at Stonehaven, Tobago

I marvel at how my life has changed sooo much from last year and even the year before that. I had the perfect life living in paradise and answering to no one. 

Though it was not 100% perfect, looking back on it now, it was peaceful....blissful at times in many ways. I felt free as a bird. I was living in a bubble where nothing else mattered. But I needed to crawl out of my bubble sometime and this I did. 

Some parts I did not want to change and let go of, but this change was necessary for my growth and evolution. Am I happy with this change? This is a question I have been asking myself lately. Professionally yes. Personally not so much. So many good things have happened and some truly unpleasant, gut wrenching and shocking realizations. 

If I had prolonged the inevitable, I ask myself would I have been truly happy? Would I have been living in a false sense of pseudo happiness just waiting for the ball to drop so to speak? My mother always says: you can't have your cake and eat it too. Sacrifice is necessary. I know that I will regain that sense of peace and know what true bliss is one day. 

Saying goodbye to the old and hello to the new

As I turn this corner, I give thanks for another year. I say goodbye and thank you for a year of lessons, fun and happy times, sad times, new friends, people passing in and out of my life; revelations, goodbyes, even the tears and unpleasant memories. Most of all I give thanks for the messages: spoken and unspoken, the universal truths, the inspiration for a new direction and meaning for my life, the challenges for now I know how strong I really am. I welcome the new alliances and adventures, new people, strengthening of old relationships, new goals and dreams realized.

I thank God for my family blood related and not. They are the ones that give me strength and hope for another day when I can't see the rainbow over the horizon. They remove my rose coloured glasses and help me wake up and face reality and learn the harsh lessons of life. Those people who are not blood related are so precious to me. Their heartfelt concern and confidence in me makes my grey skies seem to fade with each new dawn. I mention them a few times in my new book. The past few months and weeks have been trying for more than one reason and even my family doesn't know.

Sometimes I wonder what I am doing all of this for and is it really gonna matter? Does it matter if I live or die? How do I tell apart the real from the fake? Would anybody remember or appreciate your contribution at the end of the day? Then I remember, it is my duty...as my friend Maxine and I declared over dinner many months ago: "there is no other way" I can't simply exist and go back to a ho hum life not ever realizing my full potential and purpose. As for making a difference...that's not for me to judge. When that time comes...I will know and feel it in my heart...The battle to determine who is really in your corner defeats me daily but such is life...

For now I keep ALL of these thoughts, memories, wishes and dreams sacred for I know one day they will find a release as I will get the resolution I need in order to move on in my head and heart.

Until next time...
See you on the flip side

Learning to Cope with Alzheimer's Disease

I began this blog post tonight with the intention to talk about what it's like when someone close to you suffers with Alzheimer's disease; but as I typed descriptively, my feelings and experiences became so potent that I decided to share what I can at the moment.

With the knowledge of yesterday, I continue to practise living in the moment. I remember coming back home once a month to visit my family last year and seeing the gradual decline of my dad over the last 12 months...

We first started seeing signs late 2012, but did not fully understand what it was and foolishly ignored it, passing it off as old age. 

The earlier months of 2013 however were a stark contrast to the end of the year which seemed to decline rapidly. I spent a week home on sick leave in November, only to return a few weeks later in December and not find what I left just weeks before. I even received a call while at a Career Day a few weeks earlier that he tried to escape to come look for me. When I did come home, it was very dramatic when I had to return on the ferry a few days later. As a result, that November I experienced the worst case of sea sickness to date. This has since ceased (trying to escape) thank God.

Even in August, I remember coming home for the weekend and watching a football game with him one Saturday night. We were just having a casual conversation about my new job and my home away from home. Although some questions he would ask me repeatedly in the space of three days; like the fact that I was taking my car onto a boat to the sister isle and not a bus like he thought; what day and time I was leaving to go back, what exactly my job entailed and him wanting to come and stay with me for a few days. It broke my heart to tell him that he couldn't, since this would mean that he would be by himself during the day while I was at work. 

I did not understand what was happening and I think to myself now: if only I could have savoured those moments longer and had more patience, because his personality has changed so much since then. Now our conversations are diminished to a mere few sentences at a time with lots of prompting. I am super glad however that he did come to visit with my eldest sister and see where I worked and lived in January of that year.

Alzheimer's is not something one expects. It's not like you can predict this or see it coming a mile away. I would have never imagined this say 10 years ago. It can happen to anyone at any given time. My dad was always on the go: active, driving, very talkative and jovial always looking on the bright side of things, a solution finder and trying to help in any way he can, telling animated stories and the funniest jokes, doing some new DIY project around the house, cooking...he was the best cook! He cooked on a few occasions last year and my mom called while I was away to vividly tell me the story. My response to her was: I am sure it tasted good! And the reply was a resounding yes:) 

After retirement, he took me to work and back and also to the gym and university when I wasn't feeling well or too tired to drive myself through traffic. There was one time that stands out in my mind when I had the red eye (conjunctivitis) and he took me to school to drop off overdue library books. In those days he would park and wait for me for hours under the shade of a tree or take a walk, meet up with old friends and make new ones, until class or work was over. In this way a lot of my friends and co-workers got to know him and marvelled at how spoilt and lucky I was. He sure is a gem. Everyone certainly has their faults; but when I think about these times, I can see beyond the horizon and marvel at the BIG picture. I will cherish it in my mind always. 

This experience has prompted me to urge anyone reading this to savour the moments with their parents if they are still alive or anyone close to them for that matter, because you never know what the future brings. I can't even remember vividly what it was like before. I have the feelings and memories, but I can't recreate the intensity in my head. Sometimes I wonder if I am beginning to forget and would soon suffer the same fate! It's a sad thought, but it's a very real fear for anyone coping with a loved one who has the disease. 

One of my other good friends who lost both her parents and those close to her when she was quite young always gave me the above advice, but I am now seeing the value of what she was saying all those years ago. I too know how fragile life is as I could have lost mine some weeks ago for the second time, just shy of my birthday. I thank God for sparing my life that could have ended very tragic which would have been devastating for my family. I also give Him thanks and praise for what can only be described as nothing short of a miracle. It's a second chance to right the wrongs in my life, make a greater impact on the world around me, forget the useless thoughts that plague my mind and focus on the people and things that have demonstrated that they deserve a second thought and place in my life.

There is not one day that goes by that I don't tell my father how much I love him. I did this even before he got sick, but now more recently several times a day if I can. He always reciprocates sometimes by saying he loves all of his children...and sometimes he says that he loves me the most :) I love to hear him say anything at all and to smile or laugh. He tells me I always make him laugh. 

Right now he is my #1 love and the main reason I moved back to Trinidad. I don't regret a thing. I have definitely seen a positive change and improvement since I returned in January. Sacrifices and prayers are definitely worth the effort. I watch my sister and mom especially as they take care of and watch over him and it almost brings tears to my eyes as he has returned almost to a childlike state. I strongly believe that it is this outpouring of love that keeps him going and in good spirits.

As an entrepreneur I am flexible to take him and my mom on outings, read the bible and my books to him and spend quality time I could not have done before when I had a day job. I can do all this and still have time for my business. It's a win-win situation. His mood, communication and energy changes sometimes, but I always try to keep him talking and in good spirits. Today I played my completed audio book for him and every track he asks me who's talking on that CD! It was hilarious, his face would light up each time I said it was me.

Though I've adopted the approach over the past 7 years to see where my fingers lead me (as I never know what I'm gonna blog about until I begin to type) however I asked my sister earlier what she thought that I should talk about today and her reply was that I blog about the deepening of my relationship with our father. She told me that there is no shame in talking about Alzheimer's disease and it's something good that other people can perhaps relate and learn from, not to mention a release of my emotions. Good advice.

If this post has helped you in any way, or you or someone you know are also dealing with Alzheimer's disease, I would love to hear from you.

Until next time...

Peace & Love