Thursday, July 31, 2014

Forward Ever, Backward Never

I don't know why I am up at almost 2 am posting to my blog! I did not turn on my computer for the day and just when I thought I could survive the entire day without it: duty calls, one thing led to another and wham! I'm hooked :( 

photo credit -
I got my car back on Saturday so I've been out for most of the day taking care of that. For some reason, I've been really tired lately so I came back home and slept....and slept some more...waking up even more tired only to respond to some urgent emails that could not be done on my phone.

I came on to say only a few things: I just love to write! I guess that is clear. No matter how tired I am, I always find the energy to write. I can go for hours without sleep even if I've had a full day out at work or play. 

A few hours ago and even on the drive home, I was filled with this tremendous desire to CREATE! Oh my! It's in my blood. Then I suddenly remembered something someone told me a few weeks ago: "once you have a talent, you will never be broke!" I so appreciate the people I've been meeting these past few years...I feel such an affinity and connectivity to some of them. They are like me in some ways and I feed off of their energy and I hope vice versa. 

It's funny, some people will tell you and others will just admire you from afar...until one day your paths cross or something happens and they tell you to your face. When that happens, it's an amazing feeling, because I can't even believe it myself. It's like: "What did I do?! I was just being me:)"

What we sometimes don't realize is that we each have a story to tell. Sometimes it is our shared experiences that draw us closer together. When we open up and tell our story without fear of judgement, we realize that we all connected and can assist in offering (sometimes silent) support and liberation not only as women or men, but to all living people under the sun. It does not matter our nationality, ethnicity or geography, we are all the same underneath it all. We all bleed, hurt, shed tears and yearn for acceptance and oneness with ourselves and others. 

I recently realized this even more so when I hosted a staff function last year. Despite our differences, whether we get along or not, our stories intersect and we find peace and joy to hear that others experience the same things. It was amazing to witness the attentiveness and openness of staff members with their innermost thoughts and very private moments. I had never done anything like that before and I came up with the concept for the function on the spur of the moment. It exceeded my expectations: it was beauty personified. 

It was in that moment that I made the decision that this is what I should be doing with my life. It was only 5 months into my contract and it was as though bells went off in my head. I went home and sat on my porch with this immense feeling of satisfaction and fulfilment (and a silly grin on my face) as I blogged about it and retold the experience and revelations to my Mom and close friends who always called to check up on me. I did not have a plan exactly figured out as yet, but I knew this was my destiny. 

There's only 3 things that make me happy: writing, music, genuine, kindred spirits and well 4: food and good wine! Err 5? lol. Driving used to be one of them, but I realized after my accident that my car is not invincible. I've been driving for almost 20 years (wow!) and it's been more or less incident free....because of this I felt insulated in my trusty, comfortable car, fooled into a false sense of protection which is now beginning to crumble and cause anxiety. 

I now realize even more so that driving is hit and miss. You can be the most careful driver and because of someone else's recklessness, your life can be over in the bat of an eye. A friend of mine was telling me today that he witnessed an accident just the day before when a garbage truck was given a bad drive and crossed the median killing a whole family. He saw the gory details of the victims' demise when the top of their car was obliterated by the truck. Sighh. 

This is really sad and does nothing for my nerves especially when I saw it on social media a while ago. Yesterday as I drove for the first time since my accident in pouring rain again, it was like deja vu. I was going really really slow and trembling on the inside. It was very traumatizing. As the days go by, I am regaining my confidence as I am told I am a very good driver and this is unlike me. It still fills me with fear: the uncertainty of the black carpet which we traverse daily.

Such is life. Like my Guardian Angel told me last week (the guy who assisted me after the accident): You have to develop some mantras in life: Never look back. "Forward ever, backward never" (Maurice Bishop - Grenadian politician). LEAVE the past where it is and ask God for guidance and protection. Trust Him and leave it up to Him to protect you.

Well said Kurt. I owe you my life. 

Until next time, be safe and remember to Make it Count. xo