Saturday, November 23, 2013

Learning to Trust

So I’m back to the blogging world after a week hiatus. Miss me much? :-) Needed time to unwind and process all the stuff happening lately. I wasn’t quite sure I was in the right space to filter my thoughts unto the world. But writing is in my blood…so I couldn’t stay away for too long.

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Among the thoughts that have been flooding my mind, is the recurring theme of trust. I’ve always struggled with this concept so I guess there are some things I need to work through. I am using this platform to provide the catharsis needed. I’m not sure if other people feel the same way I do, but if you’re out there, please do post a comment at the end of this blog post.

Having said that, admittedly it takes me a while before I can wholeheartedly allow people I have just met into my life. And I don’t just mean a superficial encounter, but really allow them in to see the real me and what my journey is about (past and present). 

At times I think I am a bit selfish…apart from my inner circle of close friends whom I’ve known for many years, I am very guarded with the ones I allow to get too close regardless of gender. I’m quite grateful for my closest friends who have gained my trust over time (and vice versa), for they know me inside out, put up with all my foibles and accept me for who I am in spite of this. They still don’t know everything about me and I guess this is only good sense. It’s a vibe I get…I feel inclined to share personal things with people I’ve only just befriended, yet there are others that I have known for years who are unaware. Weird but true. Sometimes the vibe is right, very few times it’s wrong and when this happens I often question if my ‘people meter’ is off kilter and why.

On a few occasions I even think that there’s no room for anyone else. Although I have become quite gregarious to a certain extent within the past few years, I still have this nagging issue of trust: “can I trust this person, will they betray me, do they have an ulterior motive, why the sudden interest in me.” I’ve learnt over time that sometimes people can come in all sorts of different disguises just to get close to you and at the end of the day, they really don’t care about you, your feelings or what you are about.

In trini parlance, I think most times they just want to "mind yuh business a lil bit." Or perhaps they stand to gain something by your association. Why they stick around in the first place, is a concept unbeknownst to me at any given point in time. Even if I rack my brain to figure out why, all I can think of is that everybody has their own demons to deal with, I don’t know why the sky is blue either, but this doesn’t prevent me from appreciating the intrinsic beauty and splendor it brings on a sunny day. 

People come and people go. Some aren’t meant to stay. If you let them get close enough, some may hurt you, some will love you and some may last a lifetime. You determine if you will allow them to bring you a lifetime of sorrow or happiness. We've heard this before...Tragic but true, but those are the harsh realities of life.

There are so many different facets of life: work, play, business, pleasure. And many different facets of relationships: family, friend, colleague, business partner, acquaintance, mate…lover. What we find at times is that there’s a thin line that divides one from the other and at times the lines get blurred. How do you separate the two? No matter how hard we try, it’s difficult to keep everyone and everything in separate compartments when life is so fluid and dynamic.

Some of us may not want to put a label and category on things and people in our life as a defense mechanism, in an effort to shield ourselves from going down a path that may possibly lead to something that we are all too familiar with. A path that perhaps we are not ready to face (again) or a direction we are afraid that we may fail at. We may be afraid of getting hurt, disappointing or hurting those we are close to, or afraid of opening ourselves up to feeling emotion. Then again there are times when we just want the easy way out as we prefer to remain emotionally detached from anything or anyone until something happens or someone comes along to break down our walls.

I’m no psychologist, psychic or faith healer but I do ponder a lot in my few quiet moments when I am alone with my thoughts. I have my moments when I share a lot too and people share with me and I am very grateful for my friends and confidants. I’m not sure if I made sense to some people but I am guided to write on inspiration and cleansing.  This is my two cents for this hour. Please feel free to share, retweet or “like” if you can relate.