Saying Goodbye to the Old and Hello to the New

So it's a few days away from the big day and I am doing my do: My yearly round-up/pre-birthday blog. Admittedly it finds me in somewhat sombre spirits than normal, for which I can't quite put my finger on the exact cause. For starters I am without my vehicle going on 4 weeks!! Woosah. That's a long time for me who's always on the go. I have to rely on a driver to take me on my important runs and friends to drop off and pick up things for me. It's a sad state of affairs. But things could be worse. I thank God for life. I don't feel as though I've aged physically since my 20s but my scope on life has certainly expanded to fit my new image.

My close call

My friend Roxanne always chides that I always scratch the surface. I never really spoke

about that day in detail on the blog; but I am now in a place to do so. For those who are not close to me would not know that I was involved in a near fatal car accident in late June. This occurred when my car skidded off the highway in rainy weather. 

It spun around and slammed into the concrete median and was torn up pretty bad. Many persons said it could be due to the mixture of oil on the uneven surface of the wet road, as I was not going fast. Stopping to a halt in the middle of the road, other motorists could only pause for a few moments and then see how best they can proceed either to the front or rear of my vehicle which was now blocking traffic. Human beings never cease to amaze me. 

If it wasn't for the good Samaritan who was travelling behind me, I would have probably been a gonner. Originally from Belle Garden Tobago, this gentleman aka my Guardian Angel when he saw what was happening, blocked the traffic with his van preventing other cars who could not see further ahead from slamming into me. He came to my assistance afterwards as well and drove my car to the shoulder and called a tow truck while I waited in his vehicle. Another guy who was travelling on the opposite side of the carriageway jumped the median to see if I was okay, because he said his wife was getting ready to call the ambulance. It was that bad!

Meanwhile I couldn't wait to get out of the car, the radiator of which was now smoking. It was like a scene out of a really bad movie. Miraculously I escaped unscathed save for a few black and blue marks where the seatbelt held me and saved my life. For a brief 3 seconds I had already surrendered to the moment and gave up on my life as I thought that This. Was. It. 

With no time to pray and even say Lord help me or forgive me my sins, I just had a fleeting thought about my family and how they would deal with this when they found out. I was in a conscious state, yet unconscious. I lost all bearing of time and space until the car came to a halt smack dab in the middle of the highway *blocks eyes*. I later replayed this scene over and over again in my head for the next few nights.

I am glad that I say my prayers every day and night and the very night before I got on my knees (which I seldom do), to pray for my dad and everyone one else. I also prayed for God to help me to be a better person. In that moment, I believe He answered my prayers because if not, things could have easily taken a turn for the worse less than 24 hours later. It's so strange I got a premonition about this days before and I even took a different route that day, but you never know the day or time...it happened not the next day nor the day after that, but 5 days later.

Can't have my cake and eat it too

photo credit - CKCorreia Villas at Stonehaven, Tobago

I marvel at how my life has changed sooo much from last year and even the year before that. I had the perfect life living in paradise and answering to no one. 

Though it was not 100% perfect, looking back on it now, it was peaceful....blissful at times in many ways. I felt free as a bird. I was living in a bubble where nothing else mattered. But I needed to crawl out of my bubble sometime and this I did. 

Some parts I did not want to change and let go of, but this change was necessary for my growth and evolution. Am I happy with this change? This is a question I have been asking myself lately. Professionally yes. Personally not so much. So many good things have happened and some truly unpleasant, gut wrenching and shocking realizations. 

If I had prolonged the inevitable, I ask myself would I have been truly happy? Would I have been living in a false sense of pseudo happiness just waiting for the ball to drop so to speak? My mother always says: you can't have your cake and eat it too. Sacrifice is necessary. I know that I will regain that sense of peace and know what true bliss is one day. 

Saying goodbye to the old and hello to the new

As I turn this corner, I give thanks for another year. I say goodbye and thank you for a year of lessons, fun and happy times, sad times, new friends, people passing in and out of my life; revelations, goodbyes, even the tears and unpleasant memories. Most of all I give thanks for the messages: spoken and unspoken, the universal truths, the inspiration for a new direction and meaning for my life, the challenges for now I know how strong I really am. I welcome the new alliances and adventures, new people, strengthening of old relationships, new goals and dreams realized.

I thank God for my family blood related and not. They are the ones that give me strength and hope for another day when I can't see the rainbow over the horizon. They remove my rose coloured glasses and help me wake up and face reality and learn the harsh lessons of life. Those people who are not blood related are so precious to me. Their heartfelt concern and confidence in me makes my grey skies seem to fade with each new dawn. I mention them a few times in my new book. The past few months and weeks have been trying for more than one reason and even my family doesn't know.

Sometimes I wonder what I am doing all of this for and is it really gonna matter? Does it matter if I live or die? How do I tell apart the real from the fake? Would anybody remember or appreciate your contribution at the end of the day? Then I remember, it is my duty...as my friend Maxine and I declared over dinner many months ago: "there is no other way" I can't simply exist and go back to a ho hum life not ever realizing my full potential and purpose. As for making a difference...that's not for me to judge. When that time comes...I will know and feel it in my heart...The battle to determine who is really in your corner defeats me daily but such is life...

For now I keep ALL of these thoughts, memories, wishes and dreams sacred for I know one day they will find a release as I will get the resolution I need in order to move on in my head and heart.

Until next time...
See you on the flip side